So about twelve days ago I finally applied online for ODSP and within three days I got a call back. My caseworker suggested that since I have no income coming in currently that I should also apply for Ontario Works and tell them that I am also applying for ODSP. I didn't have to tell my dad this because he had already heard the message on the answering machine so that was one relief, however turned out my relief was short lived. Applying for Ontario Works can certainly help out here with the financial crunch we're in but it also means that most, if not all my monthly Works payment will be going to my parents as "rent" and that means it will slow down my chances of finding my own place. As soon as my dad found that out, he was literally like a dog salivating over a juicy steak I told him I wanted to also see if I could find a part time job as well as getting these monthly payments coming in, as I said, I'm trying to get out into my own place and every little bit helps. His reaction to this was proof of the reason why I should get out of here. He said that even though corporations like to think they're "progressive" and "all inclusive" in hiring those with disabilities, despite that public statement as soon as they find out I have MS they won't hire me because I'm a "liability" for them. He was also quick to add after I said I wanted my own place that children should be taking care of their parents in their old age. And yes, that's true but does it have to come at the expense of that child's own happiness and dreams? There has to be a way for both sides to be happy right? If there was any doubt about whether or not my parents are Baby Boomers, then those cutting and frankly mean statements would remove all the doubts. I told my mom this today because as per usual brain doesn't allow me to sleep when it has all these thoughts waking me up after six hours of sleep, and I had expected her at least to be supportive and say she was glad I was finally going to do something...not. She didn't say anything until I mentioned she was walking away as I was explaining what had gotten me up this morning, her comment about why was "I don't know what to say, you get these ideas in your head and then..." she trails off and doesn't finish that sentence but I know exactly what she was going to finish with; "you never do anything with them." So much for her being the less "offensive" parent to talk to.
I know my dad is a very toxic person, he always has been and it's one reason why my sister left fifteen years ago, I had come to accept that but my mom too? It just hurt, really, truly and deeply hurt to hear her true thoughts about me. Now what had felt like a real step towards making it on my own has become just another leash. I am allowed to think I'm getting out and starting to take steps towards becoming a real adult, only to have that invisible leash yanked on and knocking me back down. It has made me doubt whether or not I should even apply for Ontario Works now if it means I won't get to use any of it for my own place. Just goes to show why I've never even tried these programs before, I didn't think I deserved them because I wasn't in dire need of it. I said this to my caseworker when she called back about my ODSP application, I said I had no idea what to do because I never felt I deserved to apply for these programs and she told me that's why these programs exist. And now, after those biting comments from my parents it is becoming clear to me that I DO need these programs. Because not all toxic environments have physical signs, some are invisible to an outsider. And despite that, I still doubt. I still think I may be as my dad says "being stupid" about this. After twelve years here I've been blind to most of what he says, not realizing how damaging it really is to hear daily; because I've heard it daily so it's become commonplace, and it's left scars on my mental health and my mental state that I'm only now seeing. So does that mean I should be "grateful" I've actually had a place to live, a roof over my head, food in my belly, and a place to sleep? And that I shouldn't be complaining about it now? If this was 20 years ago, yeah sure back then the invisible mental health state was not talked about, you were expected to shut your mouth and keep your head down about it. Suck it up and deal with it, you should be grateful you have a place to live even if it's not "ideal". A mentality that still lingers even now in 2019, mostly from those Baby Boomers like my parents.
The question is, now that I recognize the toxicity of the environment I am in what do I do about it? I'm not a minor, I'm not legally trapped here I can leave anytime I want because I'm an adult. Am I exaggerating things? Am I doing this for attention? No. I am not, sometimes you just have to wake up and realize some things are not as they seem, even if it takes twelve years to do so.
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