Saturday, February 23, 2019

The Demonic Wall of Doubt

So about twelve days ago I finally applied online for ODSP and within three days I got a call back. My caseworker suggested that since I have no income coming in currently that I should also apply for Ontario Works and tell them that I am also applying for ODSP. I didn't have to tell my dad this because he had already heard the message on the answering machine so that was one relief, however turned out my relief was short lived. Applying for Ontario Works can certainly help out here with the financial crunch we're in but it also means that most, if not all my monthly Works payment will be going to my parents as "rent" and that means it will slow down my chances of finding my own place. As soon as my dad found that out, he was literally like a dog salivating over a juicy steak I told him  I wanted to also see if I could find a part time job as well as getting these monthly payments coming in, as I said, I'm trying to get out into my own place and every little bit helps. His reaction to this was proof of the reason why I should get out of here. He said that even though corporations like to think they're "progressive" and "all inclusive" in hiring those with disabilities, despite that public statement as soon as they find out I have MS they won't hire me because I'm a "liability" for them. He was also quick to add after I said I wanted my own place that children should be taking care of their parents in their old age. And yes, that's true but does it have to come at the expense of that child's own happiness and dreams? There has to be a way for both sides to be happy right? If there was any doubt about whether or not my parents are Baby Boomers, then those cutting and frankly mean statements would remove all the doubts. I told my mom this today because as per usual brain doesn't allow me to sleep when it has all these thoughts waking me up after six hours of sleep, and I had expected her at least to be supportive and say she was glad I was finally going to do something...not. She didn't say anything until I mentioned she was walking away as I was explaining what had gotten me up this morning, her comment about why was "I don't know what to say, you get these ideas in your head and then..." she trails off and doesn't finish that sentence but I know exactly what she was going to finish with; "you never do anything with them." So much for her being the less "offensive" parent to talk to.

I know my dad is a very toxic person, he always has been and it's one reason why my sister left fifteen years ago, I had come to accept that but my mom too? It just hurt, really, truly and deeply hurt to hear her true thoughts about me.  Now what had felt like a real step towards making it on my own has become just another leash. I am allowed to think I'm getting out and starting to take steps towards becoming a real adult, only to have that invisible leash yanked on and knocking me back down. It has made me doubt whether or not I should even apply for Ontario Works now if it means I won't get to use any of it for my own place. Just goes to show why I've never even tried these programs before, I didn't think I deserved them because I wasn't in dire need of it. I said this to my caseworker when she called back about my ODSP application, I said I had no idea what to do because I never felt I deserved to apply for these programs and she told me that's why these programs exist. And now, after those biting comments from my parents it is becoming clear to me that I DO need these programs. Because not all toxic environments have physical signs, some are invisible to an outsider. And despite that, I still doubt. I still think I may be as my dad says "being stupid" about this. After twelve years here I've been blind to most of what he says, not realizing how damaging it really is to hear daily; because I've heard it daily so it's become commonplace, and it's left scars on my mental health and my mental state that I'm only now seeing. So does that mean I should be "grateful" I've actually had a place to live, a roof over my head, food in my belly, and a place to sleep? And that I shouldn't be complaining about it now? If this was 20 years ago, yeah sure back then the invisible mental health state was not talked about, you were expected to shut your mouth and keep your head down about it. Suck it up and deal with it, you should be grateful you have a place to live even if it's not "ideal". A mentality that still lingers even now in 2019, mostly from those Baby Boomers like my parents.

The question is, now that I recognize the toxicity of the environment I am in what do I do about it? I'm not a minor, I'm not legally trapped here I can leave anytime I want because I'm an adult. Am I exaggerating things? Am I doing this for attention? No. I am not, sometimes you just have to wake up and realize some things are not as they seem, even if it takes twelve years to do so.

Monday, February 4, 2019

Subconsciously Prompted to Progress

I woke up today again because of strange dreams. This time it centered around a metaphoric image to make progress and to move forward.  I was on a bus and it felt like I'd been on there for a long time, going round and round on the route but never getting off to go somewhere, until today. I finally get off and start going somewhere. Other than the oddly specific person I recognized in it, my old high school friend that I have literally not spoken to in over 15 years Julie Vanderburg happened to be the face I recognized, still looking as she did back then. We weren't really that close and didn't hang out a lot so I don't know why my subconscious chose her image to present to me today. There wasn't much else in it except when I stopped the bus to get off it was in front of some food vendor/food truck like thing with a bunch of sandwiches out for sale. The one I happened to choose was something like teriyaki beef and Swiss which probably wouldn't taste very good together, having had both teriyaki beef and Swiss cheese (separately, not together) before I know those two flavours are very distinct. The sandwich also happened to be ridiculously priced and despite there being four in a pack they were sold individually. I wanted all four so for some reason it happened to cost me $200 which is NOT normal. Other than her image being used by my subconscious  Julie didn't do anything in this dream other than get off the bus with me, she kind of vanished afterwards. Dreams are weird. It was enough to wake me at 10:30 am today despite the fact I only went to bed at 3 am.

I was up after that with a clear set of steps in mind to take in order to satisfy my obvious desire to make progress and start doing what I had resolved to do on NYE which is to start the ball rolling so I can build up some money to move out of here.

1) Start the online application for ODSP (Ontario Disability Support Program)

If the application wants me to submit a more recent MRI to confirm my MS status then move to next step.

If not then skip to step three.

2) Call my neurologist and see if she is still going to see her other patients from out here.

If yes, then set up an appointment to see her and get another MRI scheduled. They take months to schedule if they are low priority so this all has to happen soon.

If no, then see if she will give me a referral to another neurologist who still practices out here, then repeat previous statement.

3) Submit MRI results to ODSP application if needed, if not then wait for it to come in and start clearing my credit card debt with whatever amount I am given for my current living situation.

4) Once credit card is cleared, or nearly cleared enough I can start saving the monthly income from the disability for a first and last month's rent on an apartment, preferably close enough to have my parents near if I need them. Because I know they will worry or freak if they know I want to move out.

5) Find a place, in a good and safe area. Budget the remaining savings from the ODSP until I can find a part time job. Only for extra security would I need to find a part time job, which has been clearly defined by the government recently as only being 20-25 hours a week max. Anymore and it's pushed into full time status, and that is not going to happen. Most employers stick to one or the other. No more will they allow what happened to me when I was working from 2008-2011, being hired part time but scheduled for full time hours and not being paid full time rates. This step will also allow me to start making payments on my much bigger student loan debt that I also have to contend with.

6) With my own place I can finally begin to look at setting up the streaming center I have wanted to do ever since I got my Twitch account. I won't have to share the internet with anyone, won't have to accomadate other people anymore, I can finally live like an adult. With the money coming in I can also apply to the Trillium Drug Benefit program so I can start my MS meds, which means a return visit to the neurologist to get the prescription started. And I can finally get a cell phone again after living without one for over ten years. I'll need some sort of communication which isn't a computer if I'm going to be on my own, for safety mostly.

As I write all that out it seems so simple and clear, so why am I nervous about even beginning step one? I've also resolved to not let my actions be dictated by fear anymore, being nervous is anxiety, anxiety is fear so I need to get over whatever is making me hesitate and GO FOR IT. Of course a little fear is healthy, it keeps you sharp and alert so you don't get killed or something, it's instinct and no matter how strong you've tempered your will to be, that instinct will always be there. To completely eliminate instinct makes you not human, it makes you a machine with no will or instincts of survival. Unless you're going all Sky Net and T-1000 like...but that is pretty extreme. ^_^

So what will I do? Probably start the application process either today or sometime this week because right now, I'm not ready to let go of that nervousness just yet.