I woke up today again because of strange dreams. This time it centered around a metaphoric image to make progress and to move forward. I was on a bus and it felt like I'd been on there for a long time, going round and round on the route but never getting off to go somewhere, until today. I finally get off and start going somewhere. Other than the oddly specific person I recognized in it, my old high school friend that I have literally not spoken to in over 15 years Julie Vanderburg happened to be the face I recognized, still looking as she did back then. We weren't really that close and didn't hang out a lot so I don't know why my subconscious chose her image to present to me today. There wasn't much else in it except when I stopped the bus to get off it was in front of some food vendor/food truck like thing with a bunch of sandwiches out for sale. The one I happened to choose was something like teriyaki beef and Swiss which probably wouldn't taste very good together, having had both teriyaki beef and Swiss cheese (separately, not together) before I know those two flavours are very distinct. The sandwich also happened to be ridiculously priced and despite there being four in a pack they were sold individually. I wanted all four so for some reason it happened to cost me $200 which is NOT normal. Other than her image being used by my subconscious Julie didn't do anything in this dream other than get off the bus with me, she kind of vanished afterwards. Dreams are weird. It was enough to wake me at 10:30 am today despite the fact I only went to bed at 3 am.
I was up after that with a clear set of steps in mind to take in order to satisfy my obvious desire to make progress and start doing what I had resolved to do on NYE which is to start the ball rolling so I can build up some money to move out of here.
1) Start the online application for ODSP (Ontario Disability Support Program)
If the application wants me to submit a more recent MRI to confirm my MS status then move to next step.
If not then skip to step three.
2) Call my neurologist and see if she is still going to see her other patients from out here.
If yes, then set up an appointment to see her and get another MRI scheduled. They take months to schedule if they are low priority so this all has to happen soon.
If no, then see if she will give me a referral to another neurologist who still practices out here, then repeat previous statement.
3) Submit MRI results to ODSP application if needed, if not then wait for it to come in and start clearing my credit card debt with whatever amount I am given for my current living situation.
4) Once credit card is cleared, or nearly cleared enough I can start saving the monthly income from the disability for a first and last month's rent on an apartment, preferably close enough to have my parents near if I need them. Because I know they will worry or freak if they know I want to move out.
5) Find a place, in a good and safe area. Budget the remaining savings from the ODSP until I can find a part time job. Only for extra security would I need to find a part time job, which has been clearly defined by the government recently as only being 20-25 hours a week max. Anymore and it's pushed into full time status, and that is not going to happen. Most employers stick to one or the other. No more will they allow what happened to me when I was working from 2008-2011, being hired part time but scheduled for full time hours and not being paid full time rates. This step will also allow me to start making payments on my much bigger student loan debt that I also have to contend with.
6) With my own place I can finally begin to look at setting up the streaming center I have wanted to do ever since I got my Twitch account. I won't have to share the internet with anyone, won't have to accomadate other people anymore, I can finally live like an adult. With the money coming in I can also apply to the Trillium Drug Benefit program so I can start my MS meds, which means a return visit to the neurologist to get the prescription started. And I can finally get a cell phone again after living without one for over ten years. I'll need some sort of communication which isn't a computer if I'm going to be on my own, for safety mostly.
As I write all that out it seems so simple and clear, so why am I nervous about even beginning step one? I've also resolved to not let my actions be dictated by fear anymore, being nervous is anxiety, anxiety is fear so I need to get over whatever is making me hesitate and GO FOR IT. Of course a little fear is healthy, it keeps you sharp and alert so you don't get killed or something, it's instinct and no matter how strong you've tempered your will to be, that instinct will always be there. To completely eliminate instinct makes you not human, it makes you a machine with no will or instincts of survival. Unless you're going all Sky Net and T-1000 like...but that is pretty extreme. ^_^
So what will I do? Probably start the application process either today or sometime this week because right now, I'm not ready to let go of that nervousness just yet.
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