The Season of Lost Hope

Everyone says that Christmas/Holiday time is supposed to be about happiness and joy, coming together and a time when for a little while the world seems a little less cruel and painful. For me, I haven't felt that in a long time, not since I was a child and didn't know any better. Adulting is hard, you lose faith and joy in the things that you once loved as a child. Bills, taxes, stress, debts, all of that comes crashing down on you all at once and it tends to kill any joy you would have had for this time of year. Not to mention the painful pit in the stomach feeling of losing hope in something.

This happened to me recently, I decided to talk to my ex again after ten years and for about a month it was nice for both of us, we cleared up some unanswered questions we both had about what happened ten years ago and it all seemed to be going well, things were coming back around. Unfortunately, the recent events in his life and the stress in his marriage had been what prompted him to contact me again. I was willing to listen to him vent and to let him get rid of some of that stress he had been dealing with in his life. And it gave me hope, it sounds kind of bad when you think about what had to occur for that to come about in the first place. His marriage had to fail if there was going to be any real chance of getting back together, and sadly it did. Now he's facing being a single father with only minimal interaction from his sons' mother in their life and he's decided that I wasn't going to be part of that anymore.

After trying to have hope about it the reality can really destroy that. Now I'm left right back where I was before I spoke to him again. And I'm thinking about what to do now, I know many would say I should have never reopened a door that was closed ten years ago with him, while others would say there is nothing wrong with hoping for a second chance at a future together. He did want that with me back then but I was too immature and focused on my own crap to see what he was trying to do for us. And now it's too late. No going back. I have an idea of what I could do, find a job and start saving money to move out of my parents place into something of my own again. Finding time to make things happen for me because no one else will hand them to me. I have been back with my parents for too long now and it's time to start living my own life. Just not right now, it's too late in the year and no one will be hiring and of course I have to worry about what kind of work I can do with MS, I just don't feel like looking right now, too hurt from what happened to try.

Writing down my thoughts is the only way I know of to help ease my pain and sadness, I get the thoughts out of my head and then I can go back to a semi functional adult again. Without it, I just get stuck and have no release. Probably have to censor them for a public forum like a blog though, no names or anything like that. I still want to get married though, perhaps have a child and when I was talking to my ex again after so long that was what I was thinking about having with him. I wouldn't have minded being a stepmother to his boys either, before he drops this bomb on me I was worrying about what I would say to his boys when I saw him and them for the first time. Worrying that they wouldn't like me and only see me as an intruder in their life. But hey, no worrying about that anymore he just took that away from me, so yay right? A load off my mind already. Except that sinking pit in the stomach feeling isn't going away with accepting the inevitable, it's still there. Makes me want to cry because it hurts to have your hope stolen away from you at the last second before you can reach for it. That is what hurts most of all, to lose something like that. Do I really want to close the door on having a child by starting my MS meds? Because as soon as I do that door closes for good, there is no going back to change that. Or do I keep it open and just wait for the next time I get so close to getting what I want in life only to have to stolen away again?

So that's why I call this The Season of Lost Hope because for me it is. Depressing is another word for this post but I can't be bothered to lie and write something I just don't feel. Either way, getting it out of my head DOES help a bit but only a little, the underlying cause of the thoughts is still there and won't be going away any time soon. All I can do is write this out and hope my ex doesn't go looking for anything associated with my name or Google account sometime later on, not that he would but I am allowed to be a wee bit paranoid about putting anything out on the web right?